Wednesday, May 2, 2012

culinary things (not to be confused with iThings)

recently, my dear friend Raf asked me what he should have for dinner.  he is a fervent follower of Kari Advice, so i really wanted to give him a shoutout.  here it is:  EXO re-EHO!!!!!!  wow, if i knew how to put emoticons into the text place thingy you'd never see the end of this entry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


we all know that for me, technology is challenging.  i often find that on technological things, there are so many buttons to press.  which one do you press first?  does it matter?  what if you press two at once?  all of them at once?  and if you have, for instance, a thing that does more than one thing, like play music AND connect to the internet, or make phone calls AND text messages... then how do you know which button goes to which function?  iThings can be confusing.


one thing that isn't confusing, however, is food, so i'm glad Raf came to me for advice.  i love food, i love attempting to make food, i love eating food, i love imagining new foods.  you may have seen my earlier posts about vaflas and french toast.  and i hardly ever let obstacles stop me from the eating that i want to do.  sometimes i have no clean knives.  no problem!  i bite into whole leaves of cabbage.  i found a clean spoon!  yes, dinner tonight will be a carton of yogurt.  anything is possible.


here is one of my cooking adventures that might better demonstrate the way my culinary skills manifest themselves.

i start by following the directions in a recipe, just so i know i'm headed down the right path.  the crusts look amazing, right?  that's because i actually measured things.


this is when i let the creativity take hold.  who says only pumpkin can go in pumpkin pie?  i've got an egg here, some potatoes, allspice, vinegar.  it seems the possibilities are endless!  


doesn't that look good?  well, i know what you are thinking, and yes, it does look great.  but rest assured, the things i culinate in the kitchen almost always taste better than they look.  and even though it took four hours to bake, the pie was delicious!

so Raf, i hope you've learned something important from me today, about cooking, and food.  don't limit yourself.  you can eat anything you want for dinner.  beware of e. coli.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Hostessing

Martha Stewart: Kari, I like to show people that I am hospitable even when I'm not at home. How can I prove I am the perennial hostess?

Kari's Answers: EHO Martha Stewart. I've got you covered on this, girl. In general, I carry around foodstuffs at all times. People are always gifting them to me, or I am always on the prowl to gift them to other people. Whether it is a lamb heart, packages of 3in1 instant coffee, or mulberries (aka dudi fruit for all my peeps in the BG! EHOOOO!), I know how to be prepared. The key to hospitality is creativity. I once found myself on a surprise (to me) last minute visit in an unfamiliar house. There were many young men there, and I knew I had to do something to show my pedigree. Searching through my purse, I had great luck finding a creme brulee flavored wafer bar. I snuck into the kitchen, cut the bar into eight tiny pieces, and laid them attractively on a tray. Voila! Instant hostess, even outside of my own home.


P.S., does anyone know how Facebook tricked me into getting status updates from Akon? Was it you, Martha?

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Redefining the bases

Kari: While I'm giving some amazing dating advice, I have an innovative contemporary take on this stupid analogy. Some things, such as walkman's and audio cassettes, will never become outdated to me, but the relationship 'base' system needs some work. First of all, I hate this analogy because it means you have to have some knowledge of baseball.
But I'd like to start out with the ultimate goal ... home base, which clearly is the afterglow enjoyment happiness time. 4 bases is not nearly enough so I added a couple extra bases.
-Base 0.5 is heavy petting.
-1st base is just kissing.
-Base 1.5 is all manual
-2nd base is when the understanding begins that something is about to happen.
-Base 2.5 is oral sex.
-3rd base would be sex.
-The most important of all bases, however is base 3.5 when you go to the bathroom so you don't get a UTI.
-Then of course you go back for the afterglow enjoyment happiness time.

So even though I don't really understand sports, I hope this system clears some things up for you. And remember ALWAYS protect yourself!!


more dating advice, me style

Kari: EHO! I didn't see you there, I was just listening to my walkman.
So you're at a party and there's a cute boy sitting across from you. He seems interested and he's been staring at you all night, and you're pretty sure he is going to want to kiss soon. What's the best next step?
I'd say, excuse yourself and go to the outhouse, which is, of course, outside of the house. It is very economical and friendly to the environment, but that's for another post! Take a long time in the outhouse, and make sure to really make him wait. If, when you open the door after 20 minutes, he is still standing in the freezing cold waiting for you, then you have yourself a winner. Make out with him.